I have been reluctant to post lately. I write about what I think about and right now I just think about Kade.
The reluctance is from worrying I might upset or offend someone. Or because I think people will just simply get tired of listening to my voice mourn. Tragedy scares people. Especially if it’s too close to home. We think, “What if we are next?” Or “If it happened to them, it could happen to me.” That causes people to shut you down or out. So I’ve just been quiet.
Today is a really bad day. The kind where I want to take a pill and go to bed. Asleep is safe and quiet.
You know when you go to the dentist and they numb your mouth and it feels like your lip is as big as that kid’s on Fat Albert? It’s really NOT big, it just FEELS huge. Sensation issues.
Today I’m having a sensation issue. I’m sad. Down. Beaten.
And I can feel it in my face. It feels like I slathered something all over my face and it’s made it swell and pull down. Picture gnomes with strings giving my skin the ol’ heave-ho. I can feel the corners of my eyes and lips turning down. (I’m not being dramatic this time, I promise)
That’s how wretched this is. Your face rebels against you. I can’t take too deep a breath, I’ll cry. I have no energy. It’s an effort to make the trip to the bed to go to sleep. And that’s what I want to do, sleep.
I had to fill out a questionnaire for a new counseling service and the questions were difficult.
-has my energy level changed
– has this affected my work or school situation
– do I feel shock
– do I feel guilt
– am I angry
– what’s my support system like
– am I angry
– am I confused
– am I numb
– am I hopeless
– am I sleeping too much/not enough
– has my eating changed
I began answering these and I stopped a minute. I had all of this before Kadey, it’s just much worse now. So, how do I answer this? It provided a scale from 0-4. Mine were mostly 4’s, which I am comfortable with right now. I could go higher up the scale had there been bigger numbers. I feel like I’m ‘supposed’ to feel this way right now, although I do know not everyone handles grief even remotely the same. But in my head, I feel how I’m supposed to feel. For this.
But what about before?
What about 6 months ago, before this hell?
Why was I on this scale at two’s and three’s before my heart was so broken.
After I filled that out and emailed it back to my new counselor, I started cleaning our bedrooms. Stripping beds, sweeping, dusting, lighting candles, feeding Jud and cleaning out his cage. I got incredibly busy pretty quickly. Then I wondered about that.
After a lot of soul searching….that’s a lie.
I turned my mind toward a couple of issues and God put it on my heart right now.
Why am I all of a sudden so busy? Where did this energy come from? This motivation?
I did all of the things above in about forty minutes and I didn’t think about anything but my next step and wallpaper and craisins. I had turned my mind off. I didn’t want to wonder why I felt like maybe I was a mess before Kade. I was no longer dwelling on Kade at all for a bit. It was all about me. So I got busy. Tasking. That fills your mind up.
My lack of energy and motivation and sadness are all linked to Kade right now. If I fill my mind with something else, my flaws, my ‘depression’ I quit thinking about Kade. I’m knee deep in my own self-perceived failures. That takes up SO MUCH room in my head when I camp there, that it blows my son right out of my mind. This was all subconsciously working, but the Holy Spirit had gotten hold of something and he wouldn’t let go. So I had to start thinking instead of pushing it away.
So why am I, a basically happy person, answering such high scores on a depression scale and thinking to myself, “I was like this before, just not so bad”?
It took about three minutes to come up with an answer, and two of those were shushing the dogs up so I could think.
Multiple Sclerosis. This insane disease that has ravaged my mind and body. Over the last six years, I have sunk deeper and deeper into depression and didn’t even realize it until I had to put it down on paper.
On one hand, it’s crazy what your mind will protect you from. In the other, it’s crazy how deep your mind will let you be in denial.
It’s also amazing how when faced with another tragic circumstance, you can immediately shut down all thinking and have no idea you’re doing it. That is, until the Holy Spirit’s biff thunks you a couple of times. Once He has hold of you, He won’t let go of your mind and emotions, your soul, until you give in or deny Him entry all together. I don’t deny anymore. I did for years and years. Then I figured out the funniest thing. It’s easier to give in! Who’d have thought? You think that closing your mind off to hurtful things, things that require steadfastness and growth, will protect you. Obviously it won’t. (You can use me in your example of foolishness in your paper or sermon) I learned a few years ago, it’s so much easier to accept than dismiss. He’s the only one that knows what’s happened, happening or will happen. So you have to just listen.
I had clamped down on the way the MS was truly affecting me. I had (partially) been successful in hiding that from myself. I’m sure everyone around me knew, idk, I haven’t asked them yet.
I’m going to have to dig all of this up. Which would be overwhelming to me even without Kade. So I’m kind of scared. I don’t really want to do anymore soul-searching right now. But apparently I HAVE TO. Because once God has his hand on my heart about something, I have learned I have to face it.
That kind of makes me mad, it’s like, ‘Hey God, NOW? REALLY? Haven’t you been paying attention to the horrible shame my mind is in right now?! Then you threw this on the pile?! Really?!”
Yes. He does. That’s my flesh talking and sometimes you want to smack your flesh around a little. Or many times, I guess. The point is, He does know. He knows it must be the exact right time for it or He wouldn’t have biffed me.
My face is still sagging sensationally. (Oh brother) I’m still sad, so so sad. But my bedrooms are clean. Always look for the silver lining.
I start counseling tomorrow at the Center For Good Grief at NEA Baptist. We have supported them monetarily since they started the center. I am always humbled by things like that. Thanking God I don’t need their services, I’ll help those who do. Now I’m in the latter category and I’m even more humbled and thankful.
Keep praying for our family. Keep praying for Elizabeth. We are all struggling right now. His date is right around the corner, then his birthday on the heels of that. It’s like a weighted blanket, so heavy there is no throwing it back. You’re just stuck under it, hot outside, cold inside and nauseous all the time. We need your intercession. Thank you for reading this and taking note of us.
Oh, and I’ve decided not to be quiet anymore. About my Heath issues or Kadey. It’s my voice and I should be able to use it. No, no one has ever said anything or eluded to their distaste. This is all something I’ve worked up in my own mind. That’s something else your flesh wants to do, listen to the enemy. I find great comfort in writing, so the devil wants to kick that idea right out of my head. What better way than a big dose of self doubt with a sprinkle of ignorance.
Thank you for being my perpetual reader. 💙 Stay with me as I walk through this valley.
5 thoughts on “My Savage Mind”
I’m very sorry for your loss. I went through the death of my sister and a divorce both within a month back in 2011 and it took six years of grief to reveal I am bipolar. Much like you, in the aftermath, I realized I was a 2 and 3 guy on the scale of 1 to 4 most of my life but after 2011 I became a “23” which led to my diagnosis. I guess that is the Romans 8:28 of it all; the Spirit uses our grief to open our eyes to a need we did not know we had.
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That was perfectly said. Thank you
If you don’t publish your writings, someone will remain tossed upon troubled waters. We need to feel how you feel because it allows us to feel the way we feel. Make sense? I love reading your post. I don’t feel as alone or as lost or as pitiful. I can see hope written between the lines, and we all gotta have hope.
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Thank you very much.
Prayers for you