I write about Kade a lot. That’s because that’s where I am ALL THE TIME.

I also write about struggles, then I talk about the Holy Spirit at work in me.

And it’s all true

I guess what I may not have mentioned, is the heart wrenching battle that it takes to get from wanting to die to having hope.

I don’t want you to think for a minute that this is a nice, pretty package all wrapped up at the end of the day.

It’s an emotional roller coaster of depression in the depths you cannot fathom, to joy and hope when I finally drag myself from underneath the waves. Actually, when I allow God to give me the strength to drag myself from underneath the waves.

I spend A LOT of time struggling. I spend a lot of time angry.

I do NOT want to do this. Period.

And then you add in life’s other nonsense and some days I just cannot deal. I spend those days searching desperately for some relief. And it is WORK. Nothing about this is easy. Nothing.

And no matter what, Kade is still gone. It’s always there. In the happiness. In the pain. In the joy. In the anger. He’s just freaking gone. God, how am I to survive this.

But I am. Maybe not as eloquently as you’d hoped I would. Maybe not as quickly as you thought. But I’m dragging myself up. Not pulling yet, I’ll have to get better to do that.

This is a battle. I have to fight it. No draft dodging here. Im stuck in the middle of a war.

I’m fighting though. That’s the key. To fight.

To search. Research. Glean. Gather. Learn.

And to constantly ask God, “What now, Lord”

This isn’t easy. Death seems like a dream.

At the end of the day, I have only my faith. My faith that I’ll get through this because my Father promised me I would. He told me He wouldn’t leave or forsake me. Im hungry for Him. He’s my only respite.

That doesn’t mean I don’t go hours, days, weeks, angry. Bitter. Anguished. Lost.

I think that’s ok. I wasn’t created for this kind of pain and God knows my heart. He knows.

I just wanted to talk a minute about my anguish and my life that is sometimes, a lot of times, not prettily wrapped. It’s more like that lost package in brown paper and yellow tape that you get in the mail a month after you expected it. Battered and broken.

However, inside….

Inside things are okay. They have to be. I don’t have any other choice.

My life is difficult right now. I’m not Instagram suitable at all. I hate what I’m going through and I’m angry I have to do it. I’m going to get through it though. My Father told me so. Sometimes it’s just really ugly, and it takes so much work to get back to finding the beauty. Fighting will get you there.

Today I’m worn out and tired of fighting. So say a prayer for me. That’s what it takes to keep me afloat. A village of fervent prayers. I depend on you prayer warrior people.

Please keep all of our family in your prayers. We need your constant intercession.