Today has been a bad day. I have bad days a lot, but today has been a doozy. 😳

Yesterday I finally started Christmas shopping. I can’t buy for Kade this year, so we need to camp out there a minute.

I was sending out a group text and because I have so many kids and almost kids, I always do it by age. Kendall, Kade, Kennedy, Kyler, Belle. Then I add on Katelyn and Whitney and Ethan. I’ve just always done it like this.

I was making Christmas lists, because that’s what I do. Again, by age and with significant others and children.

I’m trying to make menus for our parties and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I list everyone’s favorites, they each have an “I want…..!!!” And they all get it.

This year, each step, each list, each present

There’s this HOLE

I can’t fill it in, it’s not finished being dug up yet, I don’t think

I don’t want to do it differently so it’ll be easier. It won’t be easier just because we scrambled things up differently this year.

I’m super angry today. I’ve been reading a lot and talking to a few close friends who have had to go through this hell and I know now that I’m allowed to be mad. Thank God, cos I am.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to not have him here. It makes me almost insane some times. I don’t know what to do with all of the emotions.

I started a new thing yesterday, journaling in an app about my “pain number” several times a day. It’s too soon for that I think, because I just want to throw my phone. Seems like a good indication I’m not there yet.

What I’m slowly feeling today, is that my focus is on the secular part of Christmas. I have felt a not-so-gentle nudge all afternoon to turn my focus to Jesus and what his birth meant for me.

So I’m taking a hot bath and I’m going to scramble some eggs and I’m going to settle back into reading the gospels. Kennedy, Belle and I had a plan to read Luke this month and I’ve been letting myself get so overwhelmed that we haven’t even started. I’m going to tonight.

Focus on what counts, the rest is just a distraction from your loved ones and the One who loves you.

I’m sure this is why I’ve lost my footing, I’m not seated next to “the reason for the season” (I absolutely hate when people say that 🙄😉)

Writing this has calmed me down and sometimes just saying the things you know, but have forgotten or ignored, will change what your heart can stand.

I have found out a heart can be so broken you don’t think you’ll survive it. I thought I knew heartache, I didn’t.

But.

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth again you will bring me up” Psalms 71:20

Pray for me. Pray for my other children. Pray for their father and step-father.

Reflect on your children. I wish my biggest problem was what I couldn’t get Kade for Christmas.

Search for what matters ❤️