Inkwell Swimmer

The holidays have been hard. The not-holidays have been hard. Each of us are affected differently by the absence of Kade. Each of us feel it stronger at times than the rest of us do.

Of course. We each had a separate, intimate relationship with Kadey, so we have separate, intimate mourning.

However, the Fourth of July is hitting ALL of us especially hard. This was a big holiday for us.

When Kade and Kyler were little, young may be better, they were horrible, awful boys. 😂😂

If you knew them then, this needs no explanation.

For those of you who didn’t, here we go.

When they were old enough to run around outside without much supervision, the reeked havoc most of the time.

We got them a basketball goal and had put it together but hadn’t stood it up yet. Those two brats went out and stood it up. Unfortunately it didn’t have any sand or water in the bottom of it so it fell right over, and landed on Kyler’s head. Stitches.

We got them a PlayStation for Christmas one year, Kyler got mad at Kade and peed all over it.

We had a shop at our house that Bill ran our painting business out of. The guys would all come there every morning, Load the work trucks up and then leave their own vehicles there for the day. For some unknown reason, my mother had bought the boys BB guns that year for Christmas and I had hid them knowing this was a terrible idea. Well they found them without me knowing it and went out and shot all the windows out of one of the workers trucks. Every window.

Our workers would get off work and it would be so hot outside and they would be covered with paint. They would wash up with a hose we had out back and usually get drinks from the house. So the boys thought it would be funny to pee in the hose. And then sat back and watched and waited on someone to get a drink.

When they were teenagers they watched the Jackass movies and began to do stunts. Then they would come home and tell me what they had done that day. I would beat on them and tell them they were never leaving the house again and I would take all the stuff out of their rooms and none of it did any good.

They fought all the time and they would slam their bedroom door until one day I had enough. I made Bill take their bedroom door down. They didn’t have a door on their room for maybe a year.

During their teenage years they fought a lot. They were at odds with each other on a daily basis. Kade was growing up and had girlfriends who he wanted to bring to the house and Kyler still wanted to be crazy and wild. Kade wanted to beat the crap out of him most days.

They got past that quite a bit after Kade graduated and started working and they were away from each other a lot. And then Kyler had Karter. Good grief. Kade love that child before he was even born. The very first thing he bought him was a Chewbacca from Build A Bear. He would go by Kyler’s house all the time because he wanted to spend time with Karter. That’s when Kyler and Kade‘s relationship changed and they became good friends as well as brothers. 

We have always had Fourth of July up here on the lake. Well, for the last eight years anyway. It’s always been a brouhaha. We’ve always done fireworks but when the boys began to buy the fireworks themselves, there was nothing better. Last year on the Fourth of July, Kyler spent four hundred dollars on fireworks and Kade spent three hundred. They are so nuts. 😂

Then came time to shoot them off 💥

They became twelve again.

Let’s see who can hold at the longest without blowing your hand off. Let’s tie these six together and see what that does. Let’s light them and hold onto him as long as we can and then throw them across the water and see what happens.

The rest of us would pull our vehicles down by bank, sitting in the car to avoid being sucked dry by the mosquitos. And it’s always hotter than a tamale. 

So there we would sit watching how beautiful the boys fireworks show was and the whole time we would be saying “OH MY GOSH!! RUN” because we were watching them taking insane chances. That’s what they’ve always done. It was just like they were kids again. And it tickled the crap out of me. We would all be laughing so hard, or yelling at them because they had scared us to death.

It was a time for our family where everything was the same when……

When we were all together every day. When We woke up together and ate together and went to bed together. When, for the kids, things were so simple.

And now here we are this year. And none of us can stand it. We talked and talked about what we’re gonna do and everybody was on a different page at first. But we all felt like this was going to affect Kyler the hardest so we are surrounding him with our protection and love and we will all get through this together

These are the things that suck so bad. Things you have to go through and can’t stand to go through it. Your mind fights your heart. I’m so sad, so angry. The anguish of this is too much to bare alone.

But…..

We are not alone in this. We have someone right by our side.

That’s where I try to have my heart stay. Knowing.

Because we get distracted by the enemy and he fills our minds up with so much dissatisfaction and dismay. Shame and harm. Self loathing and doubt about whether our Father loves us.

Those are lies. You have to start discerning the garbage from the truth. If you read your Bible, you will learn what God’s love really is. It takes a while to form that kind of relationship with our Father. It takes practice and will. But oh my God, what it feels like when you finally have an understanding of who God is and who you are to Him. I don’t know the words to make you want to crave it. You just have to trust and dive in. Head first.

And trust me, you’re going to thunk bottom a lot. Keep going. Even if you can’t feel it or see any sort of manifestation in your life. You will. God shows up for His children.

I didn’t teach my children these things. I didn’t know to teach them. I didn’t even try. That’s hard to live with now. I’m working hard all the time to help them understand.

Start early with your children. Teach them about the Holy Spirit every day. One day they won’t need you anymore, they will always need Him.

Make memories this holiday. Take lots of pictures and tell stories about all the past holidays. Create things your family will cherish. Because in the end, that’s what counts.

We miss our Kadey. Please keep us in your most fervent prayers. We count on your intercession.

Happy Fourth of July 🇺🇸