My sweet husband worked ten hours today. Oh his way out of the hospital, he stopped in the gift shop and bought a candle for me. He explained to the lady who was working that we had lost our son to suicide in October and it was the day to honor your loved one and the survivors by lighting a candle and placing it in your window at 8:00 in the evening. He told her it was our first go-around of firsts.

So, this is my first Suicide Prevention Month, and this is my first Suicide Prevention Day.

When he handed me the little bag,

a white bag

one with blue and teal tissue paper, placed just so

I just cried.

Who EVER thought I’d be lighting a candle for my son in this unbelievable circumstance? For his siblings, his father, his girlfriend.

Kade was a mess most of the time. But he was always laughing, Always joking. Always playing the serious conversations off as an over-reaction by me.

I have just about driven myself insane these almost eleven months wondering if he meant it or not. I fight against both sides. Neither wins.

It’s a punch in the stomach every time I have to tell someone that my son died by suicide. It took a lot of counseling to come up with how to say that so my mind could accept it.

‘Committed Suicide’ broke me down every time. It still does. Please don’t ever say that to me. People ‘commit’ murder, and people die by suicide.

It wasn’t a cowards way out. His girlfriend told me one time that if anyone ever said anything like that to her, she’d slap them. He fought til the end.

In 2019, suicide was the tenth leading cause of death in the United States.

That year, over 47,500 people died by suicide.

There were nearly two and a half times as many suicides as homicides.

This is an epidemic.

What are we doing?

I don’t know. I’ve had my head so scrambled that I haven’t done any of the things I promised I’d do. I haven’t volunteered anywhere to enlighten anyone about this. I haven’t researched it or memorized any truths about it. I’m just trying to get through right now.

I’m changing that today. I want to leave a mark. A mark for Nathan Kade Soden.

If you or someone you love is struggling, please get help.

;

I almost didn’t type that. Kade got help, it didn’t work quickly and he gave up. People with depression and anxiety find it hard to stick with things. I have these issues, so I know. Unfortunately, it killed my son, so it bares repeating as often as possible. Maybe someone is listening.

It’s turning into fall. My son’s favorite. The pumpkin spice fairy has been here. The spooky movies are coming out in theaters. Apple cider and pumpkins are in the store. Smells are changing on the lake. It’s more crisp outside, I wear his jacket in the mornings when I have coffee on the porch.

He’s not here. He should be. I hate trying to figure out what to put on his grave to ‘decorate’ it for the season. What a barbaric practice, and one that I can’t stand not taking part in.

I’m babysitting Kade ‘s bloodhound this weekend. Elizabeth offered to let me watch him for her. I find it ironic that I have this opportunity today, of all days. God works in mysterious ways.

If you’re at home tonight, and you have a candle, place it in the window and light it. I’ll bet you’d be surprised how close that flame comes to someone you know and love.