I woke up in the middle of the night, a super common occurrence, and went to YouTube. That’s my go-to when the house is quiet and my thoughts are loud.

I’ve begun listening to for King and Country, their Christmas show. It’s full of worship and percussion and pretty men. I mean, what’s not to love?

I’m being ornery. 🙄

Worship music carries me most days and I’m always so excited when it’s time to listen to this Drummer Boy concert.

They have a particular song, Baby Boy. I always deeply ponder this question. It was another gift, in a long line of gifts, that has changed, deepened, my faith.

It’s all about how the birth of Jesus changed everything. It’s all okay, because of the birth of this Baby Boy.

It always gets me. There was a before. Before the grace. Before the forgiveness. Before the hope. Before the security of eventually getting to see my son again.

I cannot get through this life without this relationship with my Father. I can’t get through without the light of hope that God is making my way before me. Without the faith that He is already working in things that I cannot even imagine. The knowledge of His love. The power of His grace.

How could I do this without Him?

I can’t imagine losing a son and not being secure about where he is. And I am secure. I know he loved God and I know he wanted to do better. I know the struggle he had. The shame and self condemnation. I know Jesus knew his heart and when Kade left me, he ran to Jesus and they held each other until Kade felt whole and so full of love.

I know what knowing God means. I know you aren’t perfect, sometimes we are FAR from perfect. If perfection was required, what purpose would Jesus serve? We are all broken. The grace and mercy of Him is so immense that we cannot even hope to understand the greatness of it.

We aren’t too far. There’s no such thing. When you accept Jesus as your savior, the continuous washing of our sins makes us white as snow.

Kade had that. He talked to God. Sometimes begging and bargaining. He was broken. God knew that. No one knew better. So, because my sweet son loved Jesus so much, he gets to sit with Him now.

What did Mother’s do before? How do you get through life without the hope of something new? Something more?

What was it like before that Baby Boy?

I don’t know. But from the moment they told me Kade could not survive the catastrophic injury he suffered, I knew where he was. The peace from that is what has kept me alive and sane for 14 months.

When I am at my worst, when I can’t seem to pick my chin up off my chest, I think about where my son is. How whole he is. The peace he has.

That doesn’t mean that my grief goes away. There are days when I can’t stand to open my eyes. There are still days when I wish I was with Kade. The horror and shock from these months is sometimes so overwhelming that I can barely breathe.

So I pray. I lay myself wide open and I pray that I’m comforted. I lose my footing, a lot. I cry out and hold on and eventually I feel the solace of my savior. It’s not easy. My mind is full of erroneous thoughts that drag me down. What if’s and why’s. Awful images that the enemy plants in my brain. I’ve had a lot of practice now, it’s easier to rip my mind from the awful, horrible scenes I replay in my mind. It’s easier to light on the serenity of the truth. My son dwells with Jesus. And he’s fine.

I don’t know where I would be without the faith in what that Baby Boy sacrificed for me. I can’t imagine living this life without the faith that because of Jesus, Kade is waiting on me and one day, I’ll be able to see him again. Whole and beautiful and peaceful.