I’ve been super quiet on here for a few months. I’ve not had the strength or tenacity to put anything out here.

I’ve been in grief counseling since about a month after Nathan Kade Soden left. We have worked hard. I have worked hard. I have leaned on God when I thought I might not make it through this. In spite of the positive message I try to project, I have also had so many dark moments.

About seven weeks ago, I began having terrible anxiety. I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder related to MS, but this has been all together different for me.

I seem to stay in a heightened state of anxiety almost constantly. I’m always nauseated, always stressed. Always scared. Angry about feeling this way. Just overwhelmed and undone most of the time.

I started researching this in correlation with MS and grief.

What I think is happening is, my vagus nerve has become further damaged from the MS. Resulting in this insanity I’m feeling daily. There are a couple of other symptoms that I’ve experienced before and during that lead me to believe this is part of what is wrong with me.

I’ve talked with my grief counselor and my support system about this, they seem to think this is related to Kade, that my grief has turned on me, if you will.

I think I’m experiencing a combination of both of these things.

I’ve stopped writing. I don’t read my Bible. I don’t pray like I did. I talk to God, but it’s mostly begging for my life to shift back and not worship of any kind.

I’ve lost a lot of hope.

I woke up at midnight tonight in a full panic attack. If you’ve never had a panic attack, stop what you’re doing right now and thank God for covering you.

I had been watching a movie earlier in the day called Letters To God. I turned it on and finished it. It opened a floodgate.

I sat here and reflected on things said in this movie. The hope of a little boy and his mind blowing faith.

I don’t know why God is allowing this. I’ve asked Him to take this away so many times.

When I spoke with my counselor last week, she shared with me that she is having a baby in May and will be out of her office from May until September first. This has sent me reeling. She wants me to see a counselor over the summer that specializes in anxiety and she gave me three names of counselors who offer this service.

Boy, was I mad? Yes. Yes I was. Still am a bit.

Starting over. Digging all of this out. Trauma therapy. Rehashing all of the crap from that last eighteen months? This sounds like hell not help.

Mother and the girls and Ken all reacted so positively to this.

“This is an answered prayer!!”

Nope. My prayers was for Him to touch my forehead and it to go away, not a new counselor.

The Holy Spirit has been working on me. Prompting,pulling, pushing. Wrestling with me.

Also, sending things that will cross my path to find some peace.

I’ve decided I can’t be mad because of an answered prayer. This kind of counseling has fallen into my lap and it’s a gift. I mean, it’s one of those gifts that you want to re-gift 🙄. However, I’m wrapping my heart and mind with the expectation of healing. Whether it’s physical or mental or both.

I’m working towards taking my hope back. It’s a struggle. I’m so constantly overwhelmed, it’s hard to even think. I’m hanging on by a thread. It’s hard to find my hope and peace when my mind is in such a dervish. It’s like trying to pull myself back out of a tornado that has swooped me up. I can’t quit spinning long enough to catch my breath.

But there is something in this. A reason. A purpose. Something mighty. Because God allows situations to go on to deepen your faith and strengthen your hope. I do know that. God showed me tonight. He woke me up at midnight and led me back to this film.

It still had something to say to me.

It’s funny how God works. Not funny ha-ha. Funny-slick.

It’s like I’m in one of those papers you did in school. One that has the trail to follow. You have an egg on one end and a chicken on the other and you have to successfully get from point A to point B without running into any roadblocks.

I’m hitting so many roadblocks right now.

I’m choosing to hang on to my faith, my hope. I know it’s there, I’ve just let go of it and it’s wandered off a bit.

I know I’m going to find it again. I have to be patient. We always forget that part of faith, the patience.

“I waited patiently for the Lord, he inclined to me and heard my cry” Psalm 40:1.

That’s one of my favorite scriptures. “Inclined to me”, what a vision to have. It speaks of love and an intimacy that I long for.

I miss my son. I hate having MS. These things are concrete thoughts.

I have faith and serve a sovereign God are less tangible to me right now. I don’t feel very righteous. I don’t feel like a saint.

I feel somewhat a failure right now. I’m struggling greatly.

I’m going to hold on.

What must He have in store for me? I know it’s going to be something I can’t even imagine for myself. God thinks so much bigger than I do.

There must be a purpose for me. A calling. That’s exciting for me. That God is going to trust me with a journey just for me. That only I am cut out for.

I guess that’s where my hope lies. I just figured that out when I typed that. Funny-slick.

Please keep me in your prayers. I know that Heaven is full of conversations about me. I know they are formulating a plan. Pray I’m patient enough to peacefully wait and have the mental clarity to receive the blessings when they come.

Keep my family in your prayers. Your intercession is so desperately needed.

One more thing before I go. This IS a mental health issue. It’s not a choice to just focus on the positive. It’s not something that I can just grab and push into gear. If you have someone in your life that struggles, be gentle with them. Pray for them and ask how you can help. For crying out loud, let’s stop telling people they just need to be stronger minded. I’m sorry, but that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. #sorrynotsorry

“Love is patient, love is kind”

Be patient. Be kind.

When someone is in a dark corner, they need love and patience. They need a prayer warrior, not someone to condemn them for a perceived weakness.

💙💙#kadesmom