When Kade left, he was an organ donor and we were so thankful he was able to gift so many people a different way of life.

From the moment they told us he would not survive this catastrophe event, I clung on to him being a donor with everything I had.

At the time, it was sanity saving for me to be able to focus on that. Good from bad. It gave me an incredible sense of peace that awful day.

Immediately after, I began receiving correspondence from Mid America Transplant. I could do an entire blog about the amazing people I encountered in this process. Over the top. Kind, caring, empathetic, sympathetic, informative. I can’t say enough. I got regular letters concerning all aspects of his gifts.

One letter I got came in a packet of just all general information. It was about donor/recipient correspondence. I kept the guidelines for that emotional task, but put it safely in a drawer for when I thought I would be able to handle writing such a letter.

In October of 2021, a year later, I finally contacted the woman in charge of donor correspondence. We emailed back and forth about all of the particulars and I lovingly wrote a letter about Kade. I included all his ornery ways and four pictures. Then I waited.

After hearing nothing for several months, I sent her another email asking if she had received my letter. I didn’t get a response.

As I was going through all of this, it caused a lot of anxiety. I was nervous about hearing from and talking to the people who received Kade’s organs. More than anything, I was afraid I wouldn’t hear anything.

I sort of gave up after writing a second time in February, 2021. This was something that seemed to be stealing my peace, so I just put everything back in the drawer and let it be still for a while.

In September, 2022, I was thinking about all of this a lot, so I got my packet out of my bedroom drawer and went through things again. One thing I kept coming back to was, once I sent the letter, I was to receive a confirmation of that in the form of a letter or postcard. I’d never gotten that. It was like a hangnail. However, I just kept thinking that the recipients had decided against any contact. That ate at me a bit. Not because I thought it was rude or something, more, there were at least six recipients and I thought it was funny that not one of them wanted to talk to me about Kade.

Let me be super clear about one thing. If NOT ONE of them wished to talk to me, I would totally embrace and respect that. I would, of course, be disappointed. But I would also completely understand. This are difficult, emotional, waters we are treading. I don’t want to cause more hurt by intruding.

I just haven’t been able to fully let this go. It wiggles around a bit and I get a bit invested again. So, in September, I sent another email. It came back as a failure to send. I quit after that. It’s so hard on me to get invested and then nothing.

Until today.

Odd things happen sometimes that I attribute to Kade. Little hellos. Small presents. Strange occurrences that I like to think are Kade.

Now, I don’t need a psychiatrist or a ghostbuster. This is a tool I use to help me grieve. I think Kade is around me sometimes. I think most people who have lost a child feel them sometimes.

Anyway, I had one of those things yesterday and it worked on me all night. I got online and started looking for a contact at MAT that I could actually call and speak with. I found a number and I placed the call.

I got super emotional during the call, even though I promised myself I wouldn’t. I told this very attentive woman what all I’d done. I had all of the old emails and was able to give her the dates of all of them.

She explained that during the months I was trying to do this, the woman I had spoken with originally had left and then a second women who was part of the coordination aspect of this had left also. In this time, she said that things might have gotten lost in the shuffle.

She’s looking for my letter today. She said it might take a while to locate it, if she can at all.

So I’m sort of back to square one. The eagerness and almost dread that is happening right now is a roller coaster of emotions.

I could be upset about this. This is important to me. This is something I’ve clung to for over two years. And we somehow seem to have gotten lost in the shuffle. Overlooked.

I’m choosing to look at this differently. Maybe it was supposed to take this long. Maybe God knew I needed this much time, even though I thought I was ready. Maybe they needed this much time. And maybe I won’t hear from any of them and God has allowed me to already feel that a bit and that will help me finally put it to rest.

I don’t know.

I do know, God’s timing. It’s always about that. Always comes down to that.

Say a little prayer for me. I’ll keep you informed. This is finally it. One way or the other.

Whether they choose to talk to me or not, they will have a letter, telling all about this extraordinary human being who saved some part of their lives. And that’s what it’s all about anyway, isn’t it.