It’s hard for me to not be in that spot sometimes.

Do you ever want to give up? Just quit. Pray for the peace of darkness. Waiting impatiently on oblivion?

I have gotten out of any sort of habit of working on my relationship with God. When things go awry, I cry out for help but nothing on any other level.

I made up my mind to ask the Holy Spirit to fill me up and prompt me to seek His word. I have prayed that God land on me in such a way that my passion for Him is so moving that I only want to fill myself up with things that will bring me closer to my Father.

I knew that when I immersed myself in that kind of light that the devil would shift into high gear and attack attack attack.

Boy, he didn’t waste any time.

I have been bombarded with hurt that sticks the sharpest knife of rejection in and twists it until it brings me to my knees.

I am being torpedoed with thoughts and dreams that make me wonder why I stay here.

Although I know I’m being attacked, I’m dizzy with dark thoughts. It takes so much to overcome this.

When you are surrounded by God in your life, you have your armor on. The arrows that come flying at you only bounce off. The pounding of it knocks you but doesn’t break you. You are equipped to stand it.

I’m out of practice. I forget who I am and I believe the lies the enemy tells me. It’s too much. It makes me want to give up.

It helps to get this down in writing. It helps to look at it like this. It’s outside of me and I can see it differently.

I want to be strong. I want to be able to withstand the hurt, the heartache, the rejection. I want to be able to know that I’m not hurtful. I’m not ugly inside. I want to know that I am doing the very best I can.

Because I am.

When the enemy attacks, you just have to dig in, buckle up, hang on. That’s what I have to do.

It’s so hard.

It’s funny to me that people think it’s easy to stand next to God. If you want something easy, Christianity isn’t for you. Once you know God, the waves try to drown you every minute. You are in the middle of a swarm of bees and every single one is stinging.

In the middle of all of that, if you can find the light, the truth. It’s so hard. Then it’s so much better.

You suddenly realize all the nonsense doesn’t matter. What matters is God. He will never reject me. He sees my heart and he knows it inside and out. He knows what hurts me and what heals me. He is concerned with me. He’s concerned with my pain, physical and mental. He will never leave me or let me down. He is the safe place I need. He is my rescue. I just have to catch the rope.

When I started this, I was in such deep despair. Standing in the middle of nothing and waiting on no one.

I’ve talked myself out of that. I know. Thank God, I know.

I will find myself in the midst of the nothing again. Next time I’ll be stronger. I’ll know quicker. I’ll know the lies are lies.

Find Him. He’s the only one who can heal your hurt. Fill the horrible gaping hole that gets blown farther and farther apart each time you listen to all distorted mendacity.

I love that word. That’s the first time I’ve ever gotten to use in when writing.

Pray for me. Pray I’m so overwhelmed with the love of God that the cadence of malevolence surrounding me is drowned out with hope and peace.

Amen.