There’s a song, Gone Away, that I found years ago while watching an old Syfy series created by Stephen King called Haven.

It’s a sad song. I love sad songs.

It came across my Spotify today and I just latched onto it. As previously discussed, when I listen to something I like, I listen to it over and over. And over. Again.

“I think about life, and oh how it changes so fast.”

My life changed in a fraction of a second. It blew apart in the most baffling and bewildering way. The pieces of my mind shattered with his. I’ve been trying to fit them all back together for so long now. It’s just not working. I don’t think it’s supposed to. Not all the pieces are there any more.

“And oh how it’s so hard to last here, waiting for something to give”

That’s my Kadey. He waited. So long. I didn’t even know. I was rereading my earliest blogs about him and I was so convinced that he never had these thoughts. That he was just gambling while out of his mind, and lost. I’ve found out too much in these last ten and half months to deny it wasn’t something he fought. He was just waiting on something to give. Living his life at the breaking point every day. And it’s so clear now. All the behavior. He was in such horrible, harmful pain. He always has been. I just didn’t understand what I was seeing. None of us do. There’s not a parenting class about depression, mental illness, suicide issues.

“See, I’m in a hurry to be gone away awhile”

Is that what he thought? He just wanted to be gone away a while. I think that’s it. He had in his head that he’d thrown his life away. Everything overwhelmed him. He has medical bills less than $1000. A student loan he paid off finally, but didn’t go back to college. He mismanaged money a lot. That mostly had to do with liquor consumption. He thought he was dumb. He thought he was fat. He was so full of shame. And it didn’t matter that all of us tried to talk him out of that. Tried to make him see. He just couldn’t. Maybe he just wanted to be gone away a while.

“Tell me all the things I’ll be missing here in this ol’ life , cos man, just don’t know”

Was that his fight? Was it always about what was going to win? He loved us. He loved us so ferociously. He would have done anything for us. He may have had a meltdown first, but he was there. Did he think about what his absence would do to his family? His sisters? Brothers? Me? Karter? Kensley? Elizabeth? Barlow? Was that the fight?? He just wanted to be gone away but we were tethering him here with the guilt of leaving us? Which is worse? I think that was a fight for him. I think his mind was consumed with staying, and wanting relief. I think this is where his anger and volatile emotions, hurtful words and actions, drinking himself into oblivion. He was FIGHTING. And we lost. But did he?

“I think about you, and all of the times that we shared. And oh what a wonderful pair, we’ve made it so far, here we go again.”

It’s still me and him. His life had meaning. We shared stories, drawing, books, music. Especially music. Music affects our soul. His and mine. It brings out the joy and the despair. It’s our savior and our dragon. Music affects us differently. I think there are people who love music, then there are people like us. Music rules the tide of our heart. It’s a blessing and a curse. I still listen with him. I still listen to the song he sent me just days before he left. He said, “Oh mom! You’ve got to listen to this! I’m obsessed!” I think about what the music is like where he is. Can you imagine the joy it’s bathing him in.

“I think about love, and oh what a beautiful song, and oh how it needs to be sung here, sing it so loud all the world can hear”

I’m going to sing his song. It deserves to be sung. Kade was an amazing person. Even with all of his demons. At the core of him, there was no one who had a bigger heart. Maybe too big. He felt too much. He felt everything so deeply. Everything except love. I don’t know why, I most likely never will here. But Kade felt no love. Not anything that lasted. He was so full of self loathing that I don’t think he could fathom someone actually being able to love him unconditionally. Not even me. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like. No wonder.

“But I’ll be fine, oh don’t you worry, cos I’m in a hurry to be gone away awhile.”

I miss my son. There are no words. If I tried to convey what my heart is like, I’d most likely damage yours. But Kade is finally ok. Kade is fine. Kade is whole. Kade feels the overwhelming, unconditional, unrelenting love of his Father. I know he’s happy. That’s what I try to hold on to. That’s what I try to focus on. I’ve not been to good at that lately. It comes in these weird waves…..

okay.notokay.okay.notokay.okay.notokay

It never ends.

Right now, I’m at the crest of notokay

He’s going to be gone away awhile.

I’ll wait until I’m gone away awhile too.

Hug your kids

Please keep our family in your most fervent prayers. Your intercession is essential to us.

I’ll post this song in the comments